Dear Sy: My “hamster is unable to pass wind ”
Uncle Sy Says:  You sniff your hamsters farts on a regular basis or you just like the sound of them?  What one is it?  Look, you can get these tiny whoopee cushions which when the hamster sits down, will make the noise.  If it is the smell you like, I suggest smearing your body in out of date sardines which have been left in the sun for 3 days.  People will want to be you and smell like you.  It’s a winner my friend!

Dear Sy: “is cheese spiritual”
Uncle Sy Says:  Yup.  I am Lord Cheeso of the planet Cheezine.  Kneel before me freaks.  Smell my cheese!  Taste my cheese!  YOU ALL WANY MY CHEEEEESE!

Dear Sy: “my hamster has a weird lump on his chin”
Uncle Sy Says:  I’ve got two legs and a hairy chest.  What makes you think your hamster is so special?  Huh?  Yeah I thought so.

***

I go to thinking how much the lack of tea would hurt my Mum.  The woman’s bladder is never below 3 gallons of the stuff.  My childhood memories were of Mum and a cup of tea.  That is the extent of my memories.  Yeah, there were times we were on a roller coaster and stuff, but she always had tea in her hands.   “Mum, I just lost a hand!”  “Lets have a nice cup of tea and have a look shall we”.  It was her answer to everything.  “Mum, can I make you a cup of tea?” “Lets have a cup of tea and decide shall we!”

***

my wife came up with an idea to stop our daughter having as many night feeds as she is having.
“I just put her on my breast for 5 minutes and it soothes her!” my wife told me cheerfully. (I felt loathsome that my daughter gets to play with the promised land and I don’t)
“Are you saying to me that I should attach our baby to my manbreast to help her sleep?” I replied.
She happily replied with “Well it will only be for 5 minutes, and once you get over the initial weird feeling, it is completely natural!”
“OK, let me clarify here.  You are saying I should let my daughter suck on my nipple in the name of her going back to sleep??????????” I replied with a confused and worried voice.
“Yeah!”  She said.  Again, chirpily and starting to really freak me out.

***

Finish This Statement. “If I Had A Lot Of Money I’d…”
buy myself a nice black off the shoulder number, get fake breasts and change my name to Susan.
Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal?
Did you just call my wife a stuffed animal?
Over Easy Or Sunny Side Up?
Boiled.  With soldiers.  I mean the bread ones, and not some dude in fatigues saying “Eat the egg NOW!” in a shouty voice while holding a gun.